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You Outgrew Them, They Don’t Know It Yet

By Coach Valerie | Codependent No More

You ever notice how when you start healing, some people start acting funny? Like all of a sudden, the same folks who used to call you every day now don’t have much to say. Or worse, they start twisting your words, gossiping, or side-eying your confidence like it’s a personal attack.

That’s not a coincidence.
That’s growth.

See, when you’re living in codependency, you attract takers. People who feed on your empathy, your time, your attention, your peace. You say yes when you mean no, and you give when you’re already empty. You confuse being needed with being loved. And you tell yourself that being selfless means you’re a good person, when really, it’s just you trying not to lose people.

But here’s the truth most folks won’t say out loud: you didn’t lose them you outgrew them.

The Shift They Can’t Handle

When you start healing, your energy changes.
You start moving different.
You stop explaining yourself.
You stop entertaining gossip.
You start dressing, walking, and talking like someone who finally knows their worth.

And that’s when it happens people get uncomfortable. They don’t recognize you anymore, because the version of you they benefited from no longer exists.

Some will try to make you feel guilty for evolving. They’ll say you’ve changed (and you have but that’s the point). Others will try to twist your story so you look like the villain. They can’t control you anymore, so they’ll try to control how people see you.

You outgrew them, but they don’t know it yet. They’re still trying to play the same emotional games with a healed player who’s no longer even in the same league.

When They Try to Dim Your Light

When people haven’t dealt with their own brokenness, your confidence becomes a mirror for what they haven’t healed.
So they’ll make it their mission to try to blow out your candle, hoping theirs will shine brighter.

They’ll stare at you with that judgmental energy. They’ll pick apart your words, your tone, even your silence. They’ll whisper, twist, and speculate. And you’ll find yourself thinking, What did I even do?

The answer: you started glowing.

People who haven’t done their own work will always struggle to be around someone who has. Your peace offends their chaos. Your boundaries expose their manipulation. Your confidence highlights their insecurity.

You live rent-free in their heads, and they don’t even realize it.

The Meetup Moment

Let me tell you something real.
I once joined a meetup group to connect with like-minded women people who value growth, community, and authenticity. And most of them were wonderful. But there’s always that one person, sometimes two, who just can’t stand your energy. They start planting seeds manipulating how others see you, twisting stories, pretending to be concerned while quietly trying to shift the group’s perception of you.

And you know what I did? I didn’t argue. I didn’t explain. I didn’t perform damage control.
I walked away.

Because healed people don’t chase misunderstanding. They release it.

If the people around you can be so easily influenced by someone else’s manipulation, that’s not your tribe. Real ones don’t need convincing.

What Growth Really Looks Like

Growth doesn’t always come with applause. Sometimes it comes with isolation, silence, and separation. Sometimes your healing costs you your old circle and that’s okay.

You’re not meant to fit where you’ve expanded beyond.

The people who belong in your next chapter will recognize your peace, not resent it. They’ll see your boundaries and respect them, not test them. And when you win, they’ll celebrate younot compete with you.

That’s what alignment looks like.

Final Words

So if you’ve noticed the distance, the whispers, the shifts in energy—don’t panic. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just not the same person they once knew.

And that’s the whole point of healing: becoming someone your past can’t reach anymore.

Always remember…
It’s not rejection. It’s alignment.
I’m Coach Valerie. I’ll talk to you later.